Didn’t follow my own advice so I am now rewriting the entire blog post I just accidentally erased.
I’m torn between thermonuclear rage at my own stupidity and the more mellow viewpoint of being totally disgusted with myself.
Think I got the lesson firmly implanted in me now. Shit.
I’m wrapping up “The Da Vinci Method“.
I am about two thirds through it. It is fascinating and pretty much another answer to my prayers.
It answers so many questions for me pertaining to why I never felt like I fit in and why I have bucked the system so hard no matter where I go.
I’ve always felt I could do better in life than I currently was. And I eventually realized that I want the kind of life most people are not willing to go after.
Back in the day, when I used to get blind drunk, “The Quest” bug would overtake me.
The bug is my need for more but altered hideously when under the influence.
I would always have a sense of some grandiose mission I was supposed to complete.
Problem was, while being drunk, this would manifest as conspiracy theories and total psychosis.
My reality did not match the one the rest of you were seeing, even if we were standing side by side.
I chalk this up to my inner frustration at not having the life I wanted ever, and my own mind fighting me as I chose the wrong actions repeatedly in any situation to quell this intense frustration.
The fact that I could not have the life I wanted drove me to drink and do drugs, so that I could tamp down the unsatisfied urges in my heart.
But my spirit would rebel and it would come out all wrong when it did. I was ignoring my own needs and subconsciously punishing myself for it.
I have felt this way ever since I was young.
I’ve always wanted to be a part of something big.
Life as most people live it is far, far too unsatisfying to me. What most people can tolerate in a day drives me mad with frustration and boredom.
Matter of fact, it actually HAS driven me mad in the past!
I can remember as a boy, often sitting on a hill overlooking a major highway nearby.
I always thought that all the people in the cars were “going somewhere”. I mean, in the royal sense.
They had a really good reason for being on the road, headed somewhere else, and it was to get to these life-enriching meetings with others.
That’s how I saw it as a kid. I felt sad and upset that I didn’t have such a place to be, no one to meet.
I carried this into adulthood.
When I quit drinking as a way to avoid dealing with my issues, drugs filled the gap.
But in my late twenties, my problems invaded my highs. My subconscious would not leave me alone.
If any of this rings a bell with you then read the Da Vinci Method. It will clear up a whole lot of questions in your mind as to why you feel like you do.
I skimmed the Method itself and I like my own system It Takes Guts To Live Well better for directly treating the illness of bipolarism.
But I am totally blown away at how this book explained WHY I have been like I have all my life.
It’s not a negative thing. I eventually grew to know this myself, to feel it intuitively, but I was never able to put such a fine point on it like this book does.
The Da Vinci Method is not really about bipolarism.
It just explains how by not fulfilling your inherent life goals as a Da Vinci type, you can turn your energies inward and self destruct.
And one way this will manifest is as bipolarism.
Now here’s an interesting side note.
One of the symptoms in the Big Book that doctors use to diagnose bipolarism is feelings of grandiosity.
The compulsion to want to somehow achieve greatness.
Now granted, while we are tweaked, deeply unhealed, such symptoms will lead to chaos as they did for me.
But I think the feelings of grandiosity are perfectly normal if you are a Da Vinci type, they’re just coming out all wrong because you’re not handling this part of yourself correctly.
So the doctors look to shut down this part of your personality as if it is wrong.
Just one more area I firmly do not see eye to eye with the medical professionals.
How many people with the propensity for greatness are being medicated right into dormancy? Too many.
And if you feel you are somehow a “bigger picture” kind of person then read “The Da Vinci Method” to fill in all the little gaps in your understanding of your own self.
There are also many ways of thinking that you may need to adopt if you haven’t already so that you can capitalize on being a Da Vinci.
I am incredibly happy that I found this book!